


Turn Your Wounds Into Wisdom

by dildowizard



Series: Sike, I'm Gay [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bokuto Koutarou is the voice in Tsukishima's head again, Burritos, Crack fic I guess?, F/M, I legit have no idea what to tag, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Minor Violence, Mostly Crack, Protective Tsukishima Kei, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 04:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8876632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dildowizard/pseuds/dildowizard
Summary: "Don't patronise me, Tetsu," Tsukishima bites out. "Not when your hands are down my pants and all you're doing is disinfecting a cut, not fingering my ass like you should be."Or, the story of how Tsukishima Kei acquired an ass cut. Note to reader: it's all Bokuto's fault.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so, this fic is ridiculous. I'd like to point out that this is NOT going to be the last thing I write for this series, I definitely plan on writing something domestic and fluffy and adorable in the future, don't worry! I was going to write that first but, well, this happened, and it's a bit of a weird one. Honestly, this fic is mostly meant to be a joke, so don't take any of it too seriously lmao.
> 
> Title is an Oprah Winfrey quote. It was the first thing that came up when I searched "quotes about wounds" on Google. Individually, it is rather inspirational and thoughtful, but when you apply it to this fic, it's just kind of funny.
> 
> Also, um, the whole "Bokuto Koutarou is the voice in Tsukishima's head" thing may not make sense if you haven't read the first fic in the series? It's very kurotsuki and I recommend you read it before you read this one. If you don't wanna, you don't gotta, but you may be confused. I mean, the whole thing is pretty simple so idk you might get it.
> 
> ANYWAY, I hope you enjoy reading dildowizard's newest mistake fic 2k16. Please point out typos if you spot any, I tend to make mistakes pretty often because I'm a failure!

"Oh-" Gasps Tsukishima, his hips jerking forwards and his legs trembling with unease, the sudden sting of biting pain making him jump in surprise. His fingers curl, causing his nails to scratch the wall in front of him, scrabbling for something to dig into but finding nothing but hard surface. He hisses, gritting his teeth. "Fuck, that's- Oh shit, I can't-"

"I know." Kuroo says softly, his fingers working furiously. "But you need to stay still. Relax."

Tsukishima releases a sharp breath. "I _can't_ -" He growls, desperation taking over the last rational part of his brain, making him care about nothing but putting an end to this torture. Another wave of pain makes his back arch, curving away from Kuroo's cold touch, and Tsukishima can't help but bite his lip around a tense groan as he shudders through it, a sharp "Hurry up." escaping his thin lips in his frustration.

Exasperated, Kuroo sighs shortly. "Two more minutes. Just two more minutes, babe. You can do it. Fight on."

"Don't patronise me, Tetsu," Tsukishima bites out. "Not when your hands are down my pants and all you're doing is disinfecting a cut, not fingering my ass like you should be."

The dark haired man chooses not to take offence at his boyfriend's aggressive choice of words. Instead, he just dutifully dabs more disinfectant on the cut with the little piece of cotton wool and mutters "It's not like I actually want to be disinfecting your ass cut, I'd honestly rather be doing other things."

"Fuck you." Tsukishima curses, but there's no heat behind his words. Seconds later, he finds himself hissing at the sensation of cool liquid making contact with his wound again. The feeling is almost unbearable, he swears to himself that he'll never acquire another ass cut again. "That fucking hurts!" He complains.

"Sorry," Kuroo apologises, flatly. Tsukishima scoffs at his attempt to sound sympathetic. "But we can't risk it getting infected. Can you imagine how awkward it'll be having to get a doctor to look at it? And having to explain to them how it happened?"

"I don't know why you're saying it like that, it sure as hell wasn't my fault." Tsukishima defends himself, bluntly.

Feeling like a tired mother dealing with a problematic child, Kuroo sighs and asks "And whose fault was it then?"

"It was Bokuto's fault."

"How? Was he even there?"

"Bokuto, the voice in my head."

"What the fuck?" Kuroo mutters, confused. He vaguely remembers his boyfriend mentioning Bokuto out of the blue like this before, but he's never actually asked him what he meant, maybe out of fear, maybe out of reluctance to be dragged into a messy situation involving the owl-like spiker who cause trouble wherever he goes.

"It's like-" Tsukishima starts to explain, then seemingly decides that it isn't worth it. "Never mind. Just know that the whole thing was Bokuto's fault. Trust me."

"Alright, well, can you tell me what did Bokuto do to make it his fault?" He suggests, then pauses. "Actually, let me put the first aid stuff away, then you can just tell me the whole story from the beginning. That'll make things easier."

Huffing, Tsukishima agrees to this plan.

Having finished disinfecting the cut, Kuroo withdraws his hands from Tsukishima's pants, putting the first aid kit away - the cotton wool goes into the bin and the little red box goes back in the cupboard. Tsukishima turns himself around and heads into the living room immediately after tugging his jeans back in place, plopping himself onto the couch. Kuroo follows him a second afterwards, sitting himself down by his side. "Story time."

"Settle down children." Tsukishima says dryly, then he sighs and goes on to tell his story. "Well, it all began when Yamaguchi and I were walking through town this afternoon."

**

"Man, that was the best burrito I've ever eaten." Yamaguchi commented as they made their way down a quiet road, the shops seemingly empty around them, the only sound to be heard the noise of several cars driving past on a main road nearby. They walked slowly, side by side, savouring the moments they had to talk to each other. Even as best friends, their lives were often too busy for them to get together like this, what with Yamaguchi running a whole business and Tsukishima working on a new art project, so the two of them very rarely found time to have a proper conversation. "I'm satisfied." He declared.

"Really?" Tsukishima asked, disbelievingly. "You lived in America, don't they have better burritos there?"

"Yeah."

"And the ones we bought were from a strange man wearing big coat selling them at the side of the road. I don't believe that was the best burrito you've ever eaten. It tasted cheap, even I know that, and all Kuroo and I eat is kraft mac and cheese."

"Yeah, sure, it didn't taste great, but I was super hungry." Yamaguchi defends himself weakly. "I hadn't eaten since yesterday, so it felt really nice to fill the gaping hole in my stomach."

"Ah, I see, that's understandable." Tsukishima sighed. "Try and eat properly, though. You need to stay healthy."

"Says the one who just admitted to living on kraft mac and cheese."

Tsukishima grumbled something like "Do as I say, not as I do." and then coughed a little and decided to change the subject. "So, you're dating Yachi finally?"

"Yeah..." Yamaguchi's face turned a deep shade of red as he subconsciously began to fiddle with the ends of his hair, almost as if he was trying to distract himself from the whole conversation. Neither of them had been particularly good at talking about relationships, to be honest. In high school they were both too busy with volleyball to even consider dating, so discussing things like this only became a problem once they'd left and, a few years later, Tsukishima had started dating Kuroo.

"How's that going?" Tsukishima asked, conversationally.

Yamaguchi shrugged, laughed, glanced upwards then cast his eyes to the ground as if he had no idea where to settle his gaze. "It's going well, I guess, considering she's the first girl I've ever dated."

Snorting, Tsukishima let out a little noise of understanding. "Well, I can't give you much advice since I've never dated a girl either. I only really know how to date Kuroo, I've never had to date anyone else." He admitted. "I'm sure you two are sickeningly cute together, anyway. I hope I never have to witness your awkward PDA with my delicate eyes." 

"Wow, thanks for your support, Tsukki." Yamaguchi said dryly, though he appreciated his friend's efforts anyway. "To be honest, most of the people I talk to are gay, I hardly know any guys who can give me girl advice. I'll have to figure it out myself, I guess. I mean, I suppose even if I suck at dating now, at least I can get better at it in the future. The only way is up."

"Good luck, fight on." Tsukishima cheered, voice flat, and Yamaguchi laughed a little at his sarcasm. The two fell into a short, comfortable silence, until the taller blond man adopted a more serious tone as he asked "Tadashi, are you happy with her?"

"Yes." The smaller boy admitted, blushing again and grinning at the ground.

"I'm glad." Tsukishima said, glancing away to hide his small smile. "I really am."

They fell quiet again, continuing to make their way down the narrow road, relishing in the peaceful atmosphere. If Tsukishima were with Kuroo in that moment, the dark haired man would have been talking his ear off whilst not really saying anything worth saying. He has always had an annoying habit of trying to fill the silence when he doesn't need to, so it was nice for Tsukishima to be in the company of someone who's willing to walk silently without needless chatter. They walked like this, uninterrupted, for some time.

By "some time", he means "about twenty seconds" because that was when they heard the sound of rough footsteps coming from somewhere in the street behind them, and they both jumped in surprise as the person yelled "Hey! You two!" in a raspy voice, sounding as if it was almost hoarse with anger. Wow, this person did not sound happy. Their footsteps got louder and heavier until it was clear that the person was running towards them, and the friends immediately grew confused, thinking there was no way they'd done anything to piss anyone off to the point where they'd want to attack them in a deserted street. They stopped walking and turned around to see who the voice belonged to.

Upon turning around, to their surprise, they found that it was the dodgy man who they bought their burritos from. His face was red with anger and his coat was still as big as it had been earlier. Tsukishima's first thought is _I wonder who's watching his burrito stand._

Standing like a deer caught in the headlights, Yamaguchi stuttered a little and reached out to clutch Tsukishima's arm nervously, his body shaking with fear. The taller man noticed his small friend's anxiousness and felt like he should probably raise himself to his full height so he could try to protect the innocent Yamaguchi from the strange man, because that's what friends do, right? Well, said strange man was currently running at them as if he planned to knock them down like fucking bowling pins, so the chances that Tsukishima would succeed in his protection plan were slim. This made him incredibly nervous, but it pissed him off more than anything else. For this extremely valid reason, he decided to get brave.

"What do you want with us?" He called out, trying to sound like he could fight a bitch if he had to.

The man stopped abruptly in front of them, coming way too far into Tsukishima's personal bubble and breathing in his face, his coarse grey beard tickling Tsukishima's pale skin. It was disgusting and, unsurprisingly, Tsukishima hated it. Instinctively, Tsukishima took a large step backwards in disgust. The man began to yell at him. "You gave me fake money, you sneaky piece of shit!" He exclaims, waving the one thousand yen note Tsukishima had given him in front of their faces. It was crisp and fresh-looking, purely because Tsukishima had withdrawn it from the bank just minutes before they'd bought their burritos.

Tsukishima narrowed his eyes. "Are you seriously accusing me of paying you with fake money?" He demanded, further attempting to sound bigger and stronger than he was. He was good at it, he had years of practice in high school when his reputation was at its worst. "Are you really?"

"Yes, I don't appreciate people taking me for an idiot. How dare you make a mockery of me?"

At this point, it would have been easiest to get his wallet out and offer the man a different note in exchange for the "fake" one, or ask Yamaguchi to if he didn't have any, but Tsukishima's pride wouldn't have any of it. "Watch your mouth, burrito-chan, you have no idea who you're messing with." The tall blond man warned, menacingly (menacingly?).

"Give me real money. I want it right now or I'll make you regret talking to me with that attitude!" The man fumed. "I'm increasing the price to three thousand yen, just because of the stunt you tried to pull, so if you don't pay up, I'll call the police and we can see what they have to say."

Pissed off beyond rationality, Tsukishima jumped to defend himself. "First of all, I can tell you now, that money is entirely real and, let me warn you, if you don't take your perfectly real money and fuck off back to the high street, then you've got another thing coming, burrito-chan. Second of all, suck my big fat lying dick, good sir, for I don't give a FLYING fuck what you think-"

Beside him, Yamaguchi grabbed onto his arm and began to plead in a low voice, perhaps seeing something coming that Tsukishima could now. "Tsukki, leave it, let's make run for it while we can."

"No, Yamaguchi, I've got this under control." Tsukishima hissed, pushing him backwards lightly. Burrito-chan wasn't brave enough to start a physical fight with him, he was way too old to try it. Even if he did, Tsukishima thought he could take him down.

"You clearly don't-" Yamaguchi whispered in reply.

"I've got this under control." He repeated loudly.

"I want my money! Real money! I won't have it, I won't accept you youngsters taking me for a fool! That's all any of you ever do!" The burrito man yelled at them, voicing his demands at a very high volume and attracting the attention of several passing pigeons and rats. Luckily, the street was completely empty, devoid of human life, otherwise they'd have been facing a very awkward situation, and Tsukishima would never have lived it down. 

The burrito man stepped forwards and found himself well within Tsukishima's bubble again. This pissed the tall blond off even further, needless to say, and he found his fists clenching at his sides, his eye twitching in annoyance. He tilted his head back and furrowed his eyebrows, fixing the burrito man with his best disgusted glare. Again, high school had provided him with plenty of time to practice it, so it was pretty damned good.

"Don't just look at me like that, brat! Give me my money!" The man repeated. Tsukishima's anger reached a peak when he caught a whiff of the man's onion-scented breath, and it seemed to be just enough, just barely enough, to trigger it.

It triggered a voice, the voice in his head. The voice that never speaks a word of good but manages to convince him to do stupid shit most of the time, regardless of what it is. Yes, it was Bokuto (or so he called it, though it was most likely the less composed and more reckless part of Tsukishima's own personality. He refused to admit it was a part of himself, though, so he called it Bokuto, and passed the blame onto him.) The voice in his head, Bokuto, spoke his words of advice, and they were as follows:

_Deck him one. Give him a nice, fresh knuckle sandwich. Show him what he gets for messing with you._

And, for some bizarre reason, Tsukishima's brain registered this as a good idea, and he did what he promised himself he'd never do: he listened to Bokuto.

His chest flared with a surge of adrenaline and incontinent courage, making his right fist raise against his will, poising itself in the perfect position to strike a punch and "deck him one", as Bokuto had said. Yamaguchi yelped in surprise at the rare display of physical violence from Tsukishima, and grabbed onto his arm in attempt to yank him away from the man.

However, before his arm could jerk forwards and land the strike, the burrito man reached into his big coat and withdrew a big ass fucking stick (not a big ass-fucking stick, of course, that would've been a dildo) of all things, a stick that had clearly been broken off of a tree at some point, and began to wave it around in the air, yelling threats and spitting in Tsukishima's face in the process.

Shocked into something similar to a temporary paralysis, Tsukishima froze. In the distance, he heard Yamaguchi screaming at him to run, run away now, but it didn't quite register in his mind until the man was just about to bring his stick down on Tsukishima, and his heart leaped in panic as he suddenly began to react.

This is where the whole situation got a bit ridiculous.

Yamaguchi turned to run, and, as if in slow motion, Tsukishima's body spun around in a one hundred and eighty degree turn as he tried to escape the blow coming his way. Unfortunately, he was not quick enough. The stick came down in a whip-like motion upon his ass, the impact making a violent cracking noise and somehow tearing through his shitty jeans, digging into his skin and cutting it open.

Of course, reality hit him and Tsukishima stumbled in his hurry to follow Yamaguchi down the street, tripping over his feet with his ass throbbing and his head spinning. They ran and ran until they found themselves almost on the other side of town, surrounded by a crowd of people and hopefully very far away from the burrito man. Several people gave the two weird looks, but Tsukishima was way too glad to have escaped the situation alive to care. That man was insane, neither of them would've been surprised if he was a murderer.

"I think we've lost him." Yamaguchi panted, bending over and resting his palms on his knees.

Seconds of silence pass, only the noise of the people around them filling the quietness, before Tsukishima breaks it with sudden bouts of manic laughter. That's right, his breath coming in short gasps, he began to laugh, almost hysterically, at what had just happened.

Blinking, Yamaguchi asked "What exactly are you laughing at?", feeling a bit pissed off with his taller friend. His actions were completely reckless, they could've gotten hurt! "I can't believe you were going to punch that guy! He was so obviously insane, I didn't doubt for a second that he would be prepared to fight back, and you just fucking went for him, Tsukki, what the fuck?"

"Bokuto told me to do it. I regret listening to him." Tsukishima muttered.

Yamaguchi paused. "Bokuto?"

"Never mind."

Yamaguchi was too afraid to ask what he meant.

Once the two had regained their energy, they began to head home for the day, having decided that it was a good idea to leave the area before the crazy burrito man found them again. It was the best decision they've ever made.

**

"And that's how Bokuto ended up making me cut my ass open and therefore my pain is his fault." Tsukishima finishes, miming the action of closing a book as if he has just finished reading a long novel to a crowd of young children. Well, except his crowd of young children is just a man in his twenties wearing a kitten sweater, pissing himself with laughter at the story's absurdity.

"So- So it really was Bokuto's fault!" Kuroo wheezes, feeling breathless after all the laughter.

"Yes. Yes, it was." Tsukishima agrees, seriously.

**

Bokuto sneezes again. "Dammit." He curses under his breath. Ugh, he doesn't even have a cold; it's summertime, after all. Why on earth does he keep sneezing? "Someone must be talking about me. That's creepy." He mutters, glancing around. He can't help but wonder who in the world is talking about him, and what they're even saying.

Well, he sure hopes they're saying good things, at least.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you wanna chat feel free to hmu at slaymemakoto on tumblr, @oikawizard on twitter or @katsukyuri on instagram. All three accounts are a mess and I hardly use them but I'm always willing to talk.


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